February 2014 Submissions
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
Why did you pick a name like IAMALWAYSRIGHT?
Don't you think it kind of make you look arrogant?
Signed, Wondering
P.S. Big fan--love your website
Why did you pick a name like IAMALWAYSRIGHT?
Don't you think it kind of make you look arrogant?
Signed, Wondering
P.S. Big fan--love your website
Dear Wondering,
Thank you, it is always nice to hear from a fan.
Here is the deal with the name of the advice column: I like balance in my life. In fact, it turns out that balance is the most valuable acton I can take in life--at any given moment. I think of it as.....engaging paradoxical principles in real time.
Battlestar Galactica teaches us this: that we are all neither one thing nor the other. We are both and none.
Basically, the part of myself that secretly thinks she is always right, or just a little bit smarter than everyone else needs a voice--or she takes over; and balance is lost.
Just in case I need to spell it out, I actually DON'T think I am always right. It is just fun to pretend.
Good luck with that.
Thank you, it is always nice to hear from a fan.
Here is the deal with the name of the advice column: I like balance in my life. In fact, it turns out that balance is the most valuable acton I can take in life--at any given moment. I think of it as.....engaging paradoxical principles in real time.
Battlestar Galactica teaches us this: that we are all neither one thing nor the other. We are both and none.
Basically, the part of myself that secretly thinks she is always right, or just a little bit smarter than everyone else needs a voice--or she takes over; and balance is lost.
Just in case I need to spell it out, I actually DON'T think I am always right. It is just fun to pretend.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I like your website. You are so funny. I think you should go to Mars, definitely.
Maybe you can help me with a dating problem. I really like this guy and I think he likes me, at least all my friends say he does because of what he says and stuff. But I can't get him to ask me out no matter what! I was raised in that way that girls are supposed to wait for the boy to ask them out but I am tired of waiting!. I don't think it's wrong for a girl to ask a boy out, but doesn't it look desperate?
What should I do?
Signed, Lovesick
I like your website. You are so funny. I think you should go to Mars, definitely.
Maybe you can help me with a dating problem. I really like this guy and I think he likes me, at least all my friends say he does because of what he says and stuff. But I can't get him to ask me out no matter what! I was raised in that way that girls are supposed to wait for the boy to ask them out but I am tired of waiting!. I don't think it's wrong for a girl to ask a boy out, but doesn't it look desperate?
What should I do?
Signed, Lovesick
Dear Lovesick,
Believe me, you are not alone in this! One of the "cursed advantages" of living in the New World is the obscured lines between gender roles. In some ways there is no better place to be female and in other ways, it's the worst.
There are way too many books written on this subject--but the fact that there are way too many books written on this subject tells you that people are struggling. I think the bottom line here is: "To thine own self be true". The problem with that, though, is twofold: one, how well do you know yourself at any given moment? and two, the misinterpretation of what "being true to one's self" entails. Culturally, our communication skills have all but disappeared. We might do better to circle back around to hand gestures.
A key thing I like to bear in mind is this: If it is meant to be, you can't fuck it up and if it's not, you can't make it happen. That doesn't mean you won't live in an illusion, perhaps for years, trying to cram your gathered data into a distorted shape to fit your own desire. In other words, just because you date this boy for a long time, doesn't mean "it was meant to be" in the cosmic partner sense. That it was "meant to be" in the "god-damned-learning-experiences" department is never a question. But I don't think you're asking me, How can I learn from this opportunity in front of me, no matter the heartache? I think you're asking How can I best get what I want?
By shifting your goal from desire to opportunity, you almost can't go wrong. I have a friend who, when first dating her future husband, would sometimes lurk in the bushes outside his apartment when she knew he was coming home. She would jump out and scare the shit out of him. The only reason she did it was because she thought it was funny, she wanted to see him and he inspired her to be herself. Years later she found out that it really freaked him out--never knowing if she was going to pop out of the shrubs at any given moment--but at the same time, he loved it. This is not something he would do himself, and this was not something he particularly wanted in a girlfriend. But the love, the destiny, if you want, was there because what he did want was this:: someone who knew themselves well enough to be true to themselves--and pop out of the bushes unexpectedly. In a sense an incredibly attractive person is one who can meet you on equal footing, seemingly safe, because they are "incorruptible" by your own struggle.
There is nothing more attractive than a person who loves themselves, acts in integrity and doesn't create unnecessary wreckage.
The bottom line: If asking this boy out is going to compromise core principles of yours, it's not worth it. If asking this boy out is going to give you a chance to find out more about yourself, it may be worth it. If asking this boy out is integral to who you are, it is absolutely necessary.
Good luck with that.
Believe me, you are not alone in this! One of the "cursed advantages" of living in the New World is the obscured lines between gender roles. In some ways there is no better place to be female and in other ways, it's the worst.
There are way too many books written on this subject--but the fact that there are way too many books written on this subject tells you that people are struggling. I think the bottom line here is: "To thine own self be true". The problem with that, though, is twofold: one, how well do you know yourself at any given moment? and two, the misinterpretation of what "being true to one's self" entails. Culturally, our communication skills have all but disappeared. We might do better to circle back around to hand gestures.
A key thing I like to bear in mind is this: If it is meant to be, you can't fuck it up and if it's not, you can't make it happen. That doesn't mean you won't live in an illusion, perhaps for years, trying to cram your gathered data into a distorted shape to fit your own desire. In other words, just because you date this boy for a long time, doesn't mean "it was meant to be" in the cosmic partner sense. That it was "meant to be" in the "god-damned-learning-experiences" department is never a question. But I don't think you're asking me, How can I learn from this opportunity in front of me, no matter the heartache? I think you're asking How can I best get what I want?
By shifting your goal from desire to opportunity, you almost can't go wrong. I have a friend who, when first dating her future husband, would sometimes lurk in the bushes outside his apartment when she knew he was coming home. She would jump out and scare the shit out of him. The only reason she did it was because she thought it was funny, she wanted to see him and he inspired her to be herself. Years later she found out that it really freaked him out--never knowing if she was going to pop out of the shrubs at any given moment--but at the same time, he loved it. This is not something he would do himself, and this was not something he particularly wanted in a girlfriend. But the love, the destiny, if you want, was there because what he did want was this:: someone who knew themselves well enough to be true to themselves--and pop out of the bushes unexpectedly. In a sense an incredibly attractive person is one who can meet you on equal footing, seemingly safe, because they are "incorruptible" by your own struggle.
There is nothing more attractive than a person who loves themselves, acts in integrity and doesn't create unnecessary wreckage.
The bottom line: If asking this boy out is going to compromise core principles of yours, it's not worth it. If asking this boy out is going to give you a chance to find out more about yourself, it may be worth it. If asking this boy out is integral to who you are, it is absolutely necessary.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I am a veterinarian. Animals are my whole life. I have a bad time trying to connect with people because most of them seem not respectful to animals. Even the owners who come into my clinic.
Can you tell me if I am missing out on anything not getting along with people? Isn't a life with my animals good enough?
Signed, Animal Lover
I am a veterinarian. Animals are my whole life. I have a bad time trying to connect with people because most of them seem not respectful to animals. Even the owners who come into my clinic.
Can you tell me if I am missing out on anything not getting along with people? Isn't a life with my animals good enough?
Signed, Animal Lover
Dear Animal Lover,
The question of community comes up a lot for humans--it appears that our primal living state is not as supportable as it once was. This modern reality, however, doesn't change the core of what it means to be human, and many would say that Man is a communal animal--whether they like it or not.
The original purpose of our communities, regretfully, has shifted so vastly, that its original value, at least in a practicing American culture, has been greatly diminished. What once was a matter of surviving day by day, what was a necessity to be with others, now appears to be an option. The question as to whether it is truly optional is one that arises for everyone at one point--just like it has arisen for you.
If we look at it this way, it may shed some light on the subject: What was once meant to give shelter and protection from the wild and uncontrollable outside, has now often become the source of the terror itself. With violence perpetrated by humans on a fairly regular basis--without boundaries of any kind--the very method of shelter that kept us safe, has turned into the wild and uncontrollable. Clearly, on a global scale there is an unending list of violent seemingly unnecessary atrocities. For me, though, as terrifying as all that is, it is also almost impossible for my tiny simian brain to comprehend global injustice. The atrocities that end up affecting me the most are the ones happening right outside my door. I don't know about you, but the fact that there is a term "Home Invasion"--that this occurrence has become so commonplace that it has earned a title--freaks the shit out of me.
Let me share a personal tale. When I was in college, I made a pretty serious and conscious decision to try out serial killing. I had plans. This was a career path not taken by many women and I thought I might be pretty good at it. The savagery called for in that profession seemed to be the only thing close enough to contain the rage and fear I felt about this world. It was one thing to fear the jaguar or the wolf, but to fear your next door neighbor? It is a camouflage "both subtle and gross". I felt the need to act, to react, primally: I will kill them before they kill me. (For the record, I decided against the serial killer path and I am mostly pleased with that decision.)
All folks seek some brand of safety--and it manifests in an infinite amount of ways, both beautiful and destructive. You have found a safe and loving community in your animals and if I were you I would revel in that--make no apologies for knowing yourself so well. But does it have to be all or nothing? Is it totally unthinkable that one day a human might slip into your pack--a human (maybe more!) who shares your idea of community? What might look like a genuine impossibility now, may be disproved later on--if you let it. Beliefs only serve us if we are willing to let them go when the proper time comes. Otherwise, we are the slaves of our own worn-out principles.
There is no reason to make a proclamation about the rest of your life right now. Enjoy your current community and practice remaining open to something new--should it present itself.
Good luck with that.
The question of community comes up a lot for humans--it appears that our primal living state is not as supportable as it once was. This modern reality, however, doesn't change the core of what it means to be human, and many would say that Man is a communal animal--whether they like it or not.
The original purpose of our communities, regretfully, has shifted so vastly, that its original value, at least in a practicing American culture, has been greatly diminished. What once was a matter of surviving day by day, what was a necessity to be with others, now appears to be an option. The question as to whether it is truly optional is one that arises for everyone at one point--just like it has arisen for you.
If we look at it this way, it may shed some light on the subject: What was once meant to give shelter and protection from the wild and uncontrollable outside, has now often become the source of the terror itself. With violence perpetrated by humans on a fairly regular basis--without boundaries of any kind--the very method of shelter that kept us safe, has turned into the wild and uncontrollable. Clearly, on a global scale there is an unending list of violent seemingly unnecessary atrocities. For me, though, as terrifying as all that is, it is also almost impossible for my tiny simian brain to comprehend global injustice. The atrocities that end up affecting me the most are the ones happening right outside my door. I don't know about you, but the fact that there is a term "Home Invasion"--that this occurrence has become so commonplace that it has earned a title--freaks the shit out of me.
Let me share a personal tale. When I was in college, I made a pretty serious and conscious decision to try out serial killing. I had plans. This was a career path not taken by many women and I thought I might be pretty good at it. The savagery called for in that profession seemed to be the only thing close enough to contain the rage and fear I felt about this world. It was one thing to fear the jaguar or the wolf, but to fear your next door neighbor? It is a camouflage "both subtle and gross". I felt the need to act, to react, primally: I will kill them before they kill me. (For the record, I decided against the serial killer path and I am mostly pleased with that decision.)
All folks seek some brand of safety--and it manifests in an infinite amount of ways, both beautiful and destructive. You have found a safe and loving community in your animals and if I were you I would revel in that--make no apologies for knowing yourself so well. But does it have to be all or nothing? Is it totally unthinkable that one day a human might slip into your pack--a human (maybe more!) who shares your idea of community? What might look like a genuine impossibility now, may be disproved later on--if you let it. Beliefs only serve us if we are willing to let them go when the proper time comes. Otherwise, we are the slaves of our own worn-out principles.
There is no reason to make a proclamation about the rest of your life right now. Enjoy your current community and practice remaining open to something new--should it present itself.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
Hey IAM! You're funny! My girls bet me that I would not write you, but I'm gonna! Check it out:
I went out on a blind date last Saturday--some guy by one of my BBF's found. I don't normally go on blind dates--I mean I'm not ugly or nothing! But my girls said I had to go, so I go. Now usually I got the radar, right? I can tell if a man is into me AND I can tell HOW. Like, if he just wants to get with me, but he don't really like me--you know? I can tell a lot of stuff.
But this guy was nuts! I couldn't figure him out at all! I mean, my mom always told me to look at what guys do and don't pay attention to the words, but that get confusing! What am I, some codebreaker? No! If you like me, you're gonna have to say so. I'm not just going to sit around guessing!
So here's my question: He was on time, he dressed nice, he opened doors and paid for shit. And, he also said he wanted to meet me--like it wasn't such a blind date on his side--like he's seen me before. But his words was all over the place, confusing the fuck out of me. I don't know but I think he's been hurt a lot and isn't up for risking anything (and if I leave you, it's gonna be heartbreaking! lol!) So, normally, I wouldn't even care about a guy all confusing like this--like, dude, get your shit figured out and then give me a call! But for some reason, I kinda liked him. We weren't alike in any obvious ways but it seemed like we had a lot in common in these ways you don't normally have in common with guys, you know?
Anyway, what should I do? Should I wait and see if he calls (boooor-ing) or should I go for it? The only reason I'm asking is because normally I'd just ask him out--but I usually only do that if I know the guys into me. So, what? Actions or words? Or, is he just some polite dude?
Oh, and one more thing! One of my girls says that same guys just like it when you like them because it makes ten feel good about themselves but it's not because they like you. Does that make sense? How can I tell if it's that?
Signed, WTF?
Hey IAM! You're funny! My girls bet me that I would not write you, but I'm gonna! Check it out:
I went out on a blind date last Saturday--some guy by one of my BBF's found. I don't normally go on blind dates--I mean I'm not ugly or nothing! But my girls said I had to go, so I go. Now usually I got the radar, right? I can tell if a man is into me AND I can tell HOW. Like, if he just wants to get with me, but he don't really like me--you know? I can tell a lot of stuff.
But this guy was nuts! I couldn't figure him out at all! I mean, my mom always told me to look at what guys do and don't pay attention to the words, but that get confusing! What am I, some codebreaker? No! If you like me, you're gonna have to say so. I'm not just going to sit around guessing!
So here's my question: He was on time, he dressed nice, he opened doors and paid for shit. And, he also said he wanted to meet me--like it wasn't such a blind date on his side--like he's seen me before. But his words was all over the place, confusing the fuck out of me. I don't know but I think he's been hurt a lot and isn't up for risking anything (and if I leave you, it's gonna be heartbreaking! lol!) So, normally, I wouldn't even care about a guy all confusing like this--like, dude, get your shit figured out and then give me a call! But for some reason, I kinda liked him. We weren't alike in any obvious ways but it seemed like we had a lot in common in these ways you don't normally have in common with guys, you know?
Anyway, what should I do? Should I wait and see if he calls (boooor-ing) or should I go for it? The only reason I'm asking is because normally I'd just ask him out--but I usually only do that if I know the guys into me. So, what? Actions or words? Or, is he just some polite dude?
Oh, and one more thing! One of my girls says that same guys just like it when you like them because it makes ten feel good about themselves but it's not because they like you. Does that make sense? How can I tell if it's that?
Signed, WTF?
Dear WTF?
Thanks for writing. One of the benefits of having a virtual advice column is being able to leave letters in tact and not have to edit them down to little nubs. So, I left your letter almost exactly the way you sent it. After reading my response, please take a moment to peruse my page The Importance of the Apostrophe
Now, on to the good stuff!
I have been on this date before! You are not alone in your confusion and I am sorry to say there is no clear evidence as to what this guy is thinking or feeling. Even if you were to call him up and ask point blank, his answer, unfortunately, would probably be unreliable. Not because of some intrinsic male flaw, but because of the human predilection to panic and say whatever needs to be said just to make the awkward moment pass as quickly as possible.
As I see it, you have more than a couple options in front of you. As a reminder, there is no WRONG action. It is an unfortunate truth in life that one can do everything "right" and still not get what they want. What we want (ego-driven) and what we need (Other-driven) do not often line up. The trick is cultivating a certain quality of faith and acceptance for the events in one's life.
So, according to my records, you have not yet gathered enough information regarding this young man's feelings. If you are intrigued enough, and it sounds like you are, it would be worth it to gather more "data". (A friend of mine calls "dating" "data gathering.") You can wait for him to initiate if you want or you can just ask him to a casual coffee and see what happens. If you ask and he says yes, then you've just gathered one more important piece of "data"!
Try not to assign unnecessary meaning to other people's processes and timelines. We are all of us different and we all have a past still informing our present.
Good luck with that.
Thanks for writing. One of the benefits of having a virtual advice column is being able to leave letters in tact and not have to edit them down to little nubs. So, I left your letter almost exactly the way you sent it. After reading my response, please take a moment to peruse my page The Importance of the Apostrophe
Now, on to the good stuff!
I have been on this date before! You are not alone in your confusion and I am sorry to say there is no clear evidence as to what this guy is thinking or feeling. Even if you were to call him up and ask point blank, his answer, unfortunately, would probably be unreliable. Not because of some intrinsic male flaw, but because of the human predilection to panic and say whatever needs to be said just to make the awkward moment pass as quickly as possible.
As I see it, you have more than a couple options in front of you. As a reminder, there is no WRONG action. It is an unfortunate truth in life that one can do everything "right" and still not get what they want. What we want (ego-driven) and what we need (Other-driven) do not often line up. The trick is cultivating a certain quality of faith and acceptance for the events in one's life.
So, according to my records, you have not yet gathered enough information regarding this young man's feelings. If you are intrigued enough, and it sounds like you are, it would be worth it to gather more "data". (A friend of mine calls "dating" "data gathering.") You can wait for him to initiate if you want or you can just ask him to a casual coffee and see what happens. If you ask and he says yes, then you've just gathered one more important piece of "data"!
Try not to assign unnecessary meaning to other people's processes and timelines. We are all of us different and we all have a past still informing our present.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT
I depart from usual questions. You ask in your column, questions at top of page: these are the things I am interested in. Not all these girls who think a crush on a boy is most important thing. What about ego and entropy and existence? How to get through each day in a world of horrors and meaninglessness. What is to stop me from killing myself--really? People pretend this matters, but it does not. It is their own fear that makes them say these things to me. I watch this movie and the man says: "Are you trying to give me advice? I figure when people try to give me advice, they are talking to themselves."
What do you think about that? You just talking to yourself all this time? Because that is what I think. You just talking to yourself. What you got to say that's so important you got to tell everybody else?
You are a Smartypants.
Signed, In the Earth
I depart from usual questions. You ask in your column, questions at top of page: these are the things I am interested in. Not all these girls who think a crush on a boy is most important thing. What about ego and entropy and existence? How to get through each day in a world of horrors and meaninglessness. What is to stop me from killing myself--really? People pretend this matters, but it does not. It is their own fear that makes them say these things to me. I watch this movie and the man says: "Are you trying to give me advice? I figure when people try to give me advice, they are talking to themselves."
What do you think about that? You just talking to yourself all this time? Because that is what I think. You just talking to yourself. What you got to say that's so important you got to tell everybody else?
You are a Smartypants.
Signed, In the Earth
Dear ITE,
Super nice name, by the way; poetic AND creepy. A proper beginning consonant could really take it to a whole new level, like
I think that last one is really you.
So, yeah, I saw that "movie," too---it's not a movie, it's a cable TV show. A good show, actually and one I can imagine you liking very much.
The obvious question here is why would you bother to write to an advice columnist, tell her how stupid advice columns are and then want to know what she thinks about that. I could dismiss your letter as "silly" or "fucking stupid" but that's not what we do here on I.A.M.A.L.W.A.Y.S.R.I.G.H.T. We take people's questions to heart:
What is this person trying to express?
What is this person seeking?
What motivates this person's mind and spirit?
The question beneath your prattle is clear: Is it possible for anyone to form into words a reasonable and irrefutable argument that my life, that anyone's life, has value beyond the needs of nature and that our time here is not just some cosmic ER waiting room full of pain and heartache and that exiting early, at my own hand, is just as valid as exiting any other time?
The answer is no.
Good luck with that!
Super nice name, by the way; poetic AND creepy. A proper beginning consonant could really take it to a whole new level, like
- Being in the Earth
- Leaving in the Earth
- Killing in the Earth
- Maybe in the Earth?
I think that last one is really you.
So, yeah, I saw that "movie," too---it's not a movie, it's a cable TV show. A good show, actually and one I can imagine you liking very much.
The obvious question here is why would you bother to write to an advice columnist, tell her how stupid advice columns are and then want to know what she thinks about that. I could dismiss your letter as "silly" or "fucking stupid" but that's not what we do here on I.A.M.A.L.W.A.Y.S.R.I.G.H.T. We take people's questions to heart:
What is this person trying to express?
What is this person seeking?
What motivates this person's mind and spirit?
The question beneath your prattle is clear: Is it possible for anyone to form into words a reasonable and irrefutable argument that my life, that anyone's life, has value beyond the needs of nature and that our time here is not just some cosmic ER waiting room full of pain and heartache and that exiting early, at my own hand, is just as valid as exiting any other time?
The answer is no.
Good luck with that!
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I have been reading your website and really relate to a lot of the stuff you say. Like, the whole drinking thing when you were in Europe sounds like you drank a lot because you were scared, right? I think I drink because I get scared a lot, too. Well, I don't really think I am scared, because there is really nothing to be scared of, it's just that everything seems easier when I drink. I mean everybody drinks, right? So it is not weird it's just that lately a lot of times I kind of "blackout." That's a thing, right? Anyway, it's just starting to feel like something's wrong but it's not like I'm not going to drink, right? You still drink, right?
Signed, Blackout
I have been reading your website and really relate to a lot of the stuff you say. Like, the whole drinking thing when you were in Europe sounds like you drank a lot because you were scared, right? I think I drink because I get scared a lot, too. Well, I don't really think I am scared, because there is really nothing to be scared of, it's just that everything seems easier when I drink. I mean everybody drinks, right? So it is not weird it's just that lately a lot of times I kind of "blackout." That's a thing, right? Anyway, it's just starting to feel like something's wrong but it's not like I'm not going to drink, right? You still drink, right?
Signed, Blackout
Dear Blackout,
I am glad you wrote in--it is actually quite a big deal to put what you said into words. I was taught that people often cannot put "on paper" what they are not themselves beginning to comprehend or believe. So, the fact that you were brave enough to acknowledge to yourself, let alone someone else, that you may be concerned about your choices, is thoroughly brave.
To answer your last question first---no, I do not "still drink, right?' It is not actually something I can do anymore and I eventually had to get help in order to stop. But that wouldn't happen for almost 10 years after my time in Europe.
I suggest you also look for some kind of help. Not help to quit drinking, but help determining why you drink and how you want to proceed with your life. I will say this: I never thought I could or would stop drinking, most people who love to drink don't---but you don't have to worry about that now. You are not there yet.
You might try what is known as "controlled drinking," The purpose behind this not so much to see if you can live happily with controlled amounts of alcohol--but if you are simply ABLE to control it. Does what you intend to do (I am only going to have three Jell-O shots) and what you actually do, line up (How the Hell did I get here!?)? This is a valuable piece of information.
Write again after trying this and let me know what happens.
Good luck with that.
I am glad you wrote in--it is actually quite a big deal to put what you said into words. I was taught that people often cannot put "on paper" what they are not themselves beginning to comprehend or believe. So, the fact that you were brave enough to acknowledge to yourself, let alone someone else, that you may be concerned about your choices, is thoroughly brave.
To answer your last question first---no, I do not "still drink, right?' It is not actually something I can do anymore and I eventually had to get help in order to stop. But that wouldn't happen for almost 10 years after my time in Europe.
I suggest you also look for some kind of help. Not help to quit drinking, but help determining why you drink and how you want to proceed with your life. I will say this: I never thought I could or would stop drinking, most people who love to drink don't---but you don't have to worry about that now. You are not there yet.
You might try what is known as "controlled drinking," The purpose behind this not so much to see if you can live happily with controlled amounts of alcohol--but if you are simply ABLE to control it. Does what you intend to do (I am only going to have three Jell-O shots) and what you actually do, line up (How the Hell did I get here!?)? This is a valuable piece of information.
Write again after trying this and let me know what happens.
Good luck with that.