march 2014 submissions
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I just met this guy and for some reason I was drawn to him immediately. In a way, it is funny because if I had made a list of things I think I would want in a guy, this would not be the guy with those things on the list. But there is this funny electricity thing I feel when I'm with him and I don't think that I just mean chemistry, it is something more than that. It's like when I met him all of a sudden everything flew into this different perspective and all the stuff in the world became exactly the right size. Like, we ALL became the size we were supposed to be.
And I think he likes me, too. He is just not as wordy about that stuff, I think.
Anyway, I've only known him for like a month and I think he may be dying of cancer. I mean I found out he has cancer and he's survived a long time but who knows?
Is it ok to fall in love with someone who might die soon? Or is it dumb?
Signed, Confused
I just met this guy and for some reason I was drawn to him immediately. In a way, it is funny because if I had made a list of things I think I would want in a guy, this would not be the guy with those things on the list. But there is this funny electricity thing I feel when I'm with him and I don't think that I just mean chemistry, it is something more than that. It's like when I met him all of a sudden everything flew into this different perspective and all the stuff in the world became exactly the right size. Like, we ALL became the size we were supposed to be.
And I think he likes me, too. He is just not as wordy about that stuff, I think.
Anyway, I've only known him for like a month and I think he may be dying of cancer. I mean I found out he has cancer and he's survived a long time but who knows?
Is it ok to fall in love with someone who might die soon? Or is it dumb?
Signed, Confused
Confidential Response to Confused,
Hmmmm. I am no expert on love--although I do keep recieving letters about it.
Now, I watch a lot of TV, and these days that's not as quite the embarrassing statement it used to be. Let's say I only watch nature shows and documentaries. The TV tells me that when love is "true," it chooses you and you do not choose it. If you and this guy are meant to share something, it doesn't matter who is dying. You're dying, I'm dying, he's dying. We are all dying all the time. It's not really news. And it kind of becomes irrelevant if you can't help yourself. If you can rationalize why you shouldn't be with him and move on---there is really no great loss.
Good luck with that.
Hmmmm. I am no expert on love--although I do keep recieving letters about it.
Now, I watch a lot of TV, and these days that's not as quite the embarrassing statement it used to be. Let's say I only watch nature shows and documentaries. The TV tells me that when love is "true," it chooses you and you do not choose it. If you and this guy are meant to share something, it doesn't matter who is dying. You're dying, I'm dying, he's dying. We are all dying all the time. It's not really news. And it kind of becomes irrelevant if you can't help yourself. If you can rationalize why you shouldn't be with him and move on---there is really no great loss.
Good luck with that.
Confidential to Belle,
My apologies for not posting your letter outright. It was very long and detailed--I understand the need to unburden one's self and I appreciate the unsettling position you find yourself in. May I recommend you seek help for your issues with depression, if you have not already? There is strength in asking for help when you need it, and writing to me will not be enough in this regard. (In regards to style, however, you may want to watch your exclamation point usage! It does not make anything sound more cheerful! And it compromises other's ability to understand you!!)
The superficial issue (and by superficial issue I don't mean unimportant, I mean what has erringly become your focus) is that the man you are "falling in love with" and who also appears to be falling in love with you, has, at times, given you very clear signals that he is not available to be in a relationship---regardless of his feelings for you. You tell me that now a new suitor has suddenly appeared, one who has declared himself interested and available. The issue beneath this--the one you are really facing--has nothing to do with either of these men whatsoever. It has everything to do with you and what you ready for. These men, and I do not mean this is a dismissive way, are simply a vehicle for you to evolve emotionally and spiritually in your relationship to the world as a whole--and as a result become more engaged. In my experience, looking for signs or meanings surrounding the opportunities presented to you---will not reveal the Big Truth of who is the "One"--if "One" there be. In a sense, there is no such thing--but that does not render the Universe any less poetic or beautiful. It just means that no matter where you go, there you are and the company you keep is the company you sought and the company you sought is the company you need.
If one subscribes to this idea, it can feel a bit disappointing, yes? Like we are adrift, unattached. Somewhere along the way though, I promise you, "adrift" can transform instead into liberation. The events of your life and childhood are not tests--tests to see what right answers you can give, what right lessons you can learn and what right choices you can make. What we have here is simply existence within a construct that is wholly unknowable--yet connected and meaningful nonetheless. There is music, there is poetry and numbers line up and flashing metallic light bobs downriver and words are sung and doors are knocked upon and somewhere inside yourself you say---this means something--this is special---I can feel it. And you know what? You are right. There are only the choices you make and your ability to stay connected to something greater than yourself as you walk whatever path you walk. There will never be the outright outside validation that you seek. A postcard, if you will, from the Universe that says "Good job studying Political Science--that was what we had in mind all along!" All the choices you made and make were the right ones, are the right ones and will be the right ones--and they are entangled in a way that we cannot comprehend. They just are.
If you continue to measure the success of your navigation on a barometer of HAPPINESS---you will always fall short. That is not a sound measuring device for the state of one's life. The only way to feel loved is to love another. And the only way to do that--is to love yourself. Barf--I know, but there it is.
Good luck with that.
My apologies for not posting your letter outright. It was very long and detailed--I understand the need to unburden one's self and I appreciate the unsettling position you find yourself in. May I recommend you seek help for your issues with depression, if you have not already? There is strength in asking for help when you need it, and writing to me will not be enough in this regard. (In regards to style, however, you may want to watch your exclamation point usage! It does not make anything sound more cheerful! And it compromises other's ability to understand you!!)
The superficial issue (and by superficial issue I don't mean unimportant, I mean what has erringly become your focus) is that the man you are "falling in love with" and who also appears to be falling in love with you, has, at times, given you very clear signals that he is not available to be in a relationship---regardless of his feelings for you. You tell me that now a new suitor has suddenly appeared, one who has declared himself interested and available. The issue beneath this--the one you are really facing--has nothing to do with either of these men whatsoever. It has everything to do with you and what you ready for. These men, and I do not mean this is a dismissive way, are simply a vehicle for you to evolve emotionally and spiritually in your relationship to the world as a whole--and as a result become more engaged. In my experience, looking for signs or meanings surrounding the opportunities presented to you---will not reveal the Big Truth of who is the "One"--if "One" there be. In a sense, there is no such thing--but that does not render the Universe any less poetic or beautiful. It just means that no matter where you go, there you are and the company you keep is the company you sought and the company you sought is the company you need.
If one subscribes to this idea, it can feel a bit disappointing, yes? Like we are adrift, unattached. Somewhere along the way though, I promise you, "adrift" can transform instead into liberation. The events of your life and childhood are not tests--tests to see what right answers you can give, what right lessons you can learn and what right choices you can make. What we have here is simply existence within a construct that is wholly unknowable--yet connected and meaningful nonetheless. There is music, there is poetry and numbers line up and flashing metallic light bobs downriver and words are sung and doors are knocked upon and somewhere inside yourself you say---this means something--this is special---I can feel it. And you know what? You are right. There are only the choices you make and your ability to stay connected to something greater than yourself as you walk whatever path you walk. There will never be the outright outside validation that you seek. A postcard, if you will, from the Universe that says "Good job studying Political Science--that was what we had in mind all along!" All the choices you made and make were the right ones, are the right ones and will be the right ones--and they are entangled in a way that we cannot comprehend. They just are.
If you continue to measure the success of your navigation on a barometer of HAPPINESS---you will always fall short. That is not a sound measuring device for the state of one's life. The only way to feel loved is to love another. And the only way to do that--is to love yourself. Barf--I know, but there it is.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I am writing about something that is happening right now and I don't think you'll be able to help me but I wanted to write in just in case it ever happens again I want to know what you think because I like the things you say.
I recently met a really pretty girl at one of the skate parks I go to. She seemed really cool and she really knew how to skate which is cool for a girl and she has really pretty red hair and freckles and I really like that. So, the last couple of times I went to the skate park she was there and we talk a lot and I finally asked for her phone number and she gave it to me which is great. On Saturday morning I called her and we talked a long time and I asked her out and she said yes but she suddenly had to go because her mom was calling her. We said we'd figure out what and when later.
So here is the problem. The last time I called she answered and said that she was really sick and she would call when she was better but she never called. I decided to call her one more time because she sounded horrible when we talked and her mom answered and said she was in hospital! She is REALLY sick! Turns out she gets sick a lot because of this thing I can't remember the name.
My question is about whether or not I should go visit her in the hospital because I like her but I don't know her that well because we haven't even gone out on a date yet. I don't want to look like I am all desperate and stuff, but I also feel bad for her because she's sick and I would like to see her. But maybe she doesn't want to see me if she's sick. What should I do?
Signed, Crushed Out
I am writing about something that is happening right now and I don't think you'll be able to help me but I wanted to write in just in case it ever happens again I want to know what you think because I like the things you say.
I recently met a really pretty girl at one of the skate parks I go to. She seemed really cool and she really knew how to skate which is cool for a girl and she has really pretty red hair and freckles and I really like that. So, the last couple of times I went to the skate park she was there and we talk a lot and I finally asked for her phone number and she gave it to me which is great. On Saturday morning I called her and we talked a long time and I asked her out and she said yes but she suddenly had to go because her mom was calling her. We said we'd figure out what and when later.
So here is the problem. The last time I called she answered and said that she was really sick and she would call when she was better but she never called. I decided to call her one more time because she sounded horrible when we talked and her mom answered and said she was in hospital! She is REALLY sick! Turns out she gets sick a lot because of this thing I can't remember the name.
My question is about whether or not I should go visit her in the hospital because I like her but I don't know her that well because we haven't even gone out on a date yet. I don't want to look like I am all desperate and stuff, but I also feel bad for her because she's sick and I would like to see her. But maybe she doesn't want to see me if she's sick. What should I do?
Signed, Crushed Out
Dear Crushed Out,
It is sweet that you are concerned for this girl. Believe it or not, it is really easy for humans to default into self-pity--i.e. instead of feeling bad for the person deserving of sympathy, in this case her, one instead feels sorry for one's self: "Why do these things always happen to me? She had to get sick right before our date--blah blah blah!" As extreme as this sounds, it is fairly common. Even if these thoughts have passed through your mind briefly, it is commendable that you are asking about the possible etiquette in this situation as it pertains to her.
Technically, the only reference point any of us have for governing our own behavior and choices is based almost exclusively on what we have witnessed, our own past experience, and what we would do or want. So, even when we set out to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it is still us in the shoes. We can gain insight into the trials and tribulations of others, but it is still us holding the rudder. The paradox is that one person's experience will never be another person's experience AND we are all actually experiencing the same thing over and over again, tied up in different colored bows. A camouflage, if you will, indicating (a false) separateness.
That being said, how do you feel when you get sick? What if the situation were reversed? You like a pretty girl, you want her to like you, you get sick enough to be hospitalized and your crush wants to come see you. What goes through YOUR mind? It's a mixed bag, isn't it? If it were me, I would be excited that you wanted to come, but I would be worried that I was not looking my best; I might even be embarrassed. Primally, sickness is weakness--an indicator that you are not good mating material. Even though we've left a lot of our primitive habitat behind, we have not really left any of the thinking behind. This "reptilian" thoughts still affect us greatly.
But--you are in luck! There is a very simple solution. I am assuming you are like the rest of American youth and you both have cell phones. Text her, and ask. Then, and this is the important part, do what she would like you to do.
Good luck with that.
Dear IAMALWAYSRIGHT,
I have developed very strong feelings for a woman I met somewhat recently. I was actually not looking to meet anyone. In fact, I might even go so far as to say I was actively NOT looking for a romantic interest. I am worn out by the entire romance thing. I just turned 40 and the whole thing is getting old.
I know this sounds trite but I don't believe it is possible for a woman to fall in love with me--and if she does, I don't believe it is possible for it to be sustained. I've been in long term relationships, I've even been engaged but eventually I wear people out. I am not trying to but it happens just the same.. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just drive people off. I am not a bad man. I have multiple degrees, I own my own business, I've been told I am attractive enough, I've traveled and lived in multiple countries, I am trilingual, and I have a barrage of very basic useful skills (like I can fix my own car, I built a motorcycle from scratch, I can cook and bake rather well...). I am not sure what it is about me that is so off-putting. At the same time, I am really tired of women looking at me as if I am some sort of "thing" with "potential". As if I was in need of changing. When you fall in love with someone aren't you supposed to fall in love with THEM--not who you want them to be?
I am afraid to show my feelings for this woman--even though she has gone out of her way to express her regard for me. She is tall, and beautiful and smart and funny and looks like one of those women that could date anybody she wants. Frankly, I am not sure why she claims to like me. But, I have to admit, there is a very strong connection that is beyond the superficial.
Should I risk it? Or, should I just play it safe? And, more importantly, do ALL women want to change the men they date? I just can't go through that again.
Signed, Not Sure
I have developed very strong feelings for a woman I met somewhat recently. I was actually not looking to meet anyone. In fact, I might even go so far as to say I was actively NOT looking for a romantic interest. I am worn out by the entire romance thing. I just turned 40 and the whole thing is getting old.
I know this sounds trite but I don't believe it is possible for a woman to fall in love with me--and if she does, I don't believe it is possible for it to be sustained. I've been in long term relationships, I've even been engaged but eventually I wear people out. I am not trying to but it happens just the same.. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just drive people off. I am not a bad man. I have multiple degrees, I own my own business, I've been told I am attractive enough, I've traveled and lived in multiple countries, I am trilingual, and I have a barrage of very basic useful skills (like I can fix my own car, I built a motorcycle from scratch, I can cook and bake rather well...). I am not sure what it is about me that is so off-putting. At the same time, I am really tired of women looking at me as if I am some sort of "thing" with "potential". As if I was in need of changing. When you fall in love with someone aren't you supposed to fall in love with THEM--not who you want them to be?
I am afraid to show my feelings for this woman--even though she has gone out of her way to express her regard for me. She is tall, and beautiful and smart and funny and looks like one of those women that could date anybody she wants. Frankly, I am not sure why she claims to like me. But, I have to admit, there is a very strong connection that is beyond the superficial.
Should I risk it? Or, should I just play it safe? And, more importantly, do ALL women want to change the men they date? I just can't go through that again.
Signed, Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
As I was reading your letter a song popped into my head. I didn't really pay much attention as this is quite a common occurrence. But, as I was processing the information you offered and contemplating your situation, I realized that reason the song popped into my head was because the lyrics had a certain relevance. Now, I REFUSE to be one of those people who shoves song lyrics in someone's face and insist or presume that they mean the same thing to you as they do to me. But, I googled the song just to see them written out in full. I believe that MY perception of what you shared with me is reflected in these words. So, I am going to parcel them out in little bits and attempt to explain.
Part, the first*:
(We don't want your progress
We wanna be first)
Give me something for nothing
Give me too much to soon
We're so damn sick
Something I hear a lot from folks of all kinds from all places is "People don't change." There is a very valid reason for this: very often, people don't change. I have a lot to say about this but I am going to try and not get too in depth. There are myriad reasons with infinite nuances as to why people's lives play out like this--it would be oversimplifying to say "Fear" but it would also be accurate. One of my favorite pet theories is that people seem unable to notice that wishing for things to change and wanting for things to change and hoping for things to change doesn't cause anything to change. And yet, people persist in this belief. This is a dictionary definition of insanity. You might say people without the willingness, capacity or necessary skills to change are insane.
I understand what a turn off it is for someone to claim to love you and then put all these conditions on it later (i.e. "Actually, I will love you more if you wear different clothes." or "I will love you better if you got a different job." or "My love will be more kind if you could learn to go to a party without freaking out.") In a sense, this is not love. It is a persistence in the denial of the fact that the distance between who you thought you fell in love with and who they turned out to be is too vast to cross. Or that crossing that distance has no value.
The opposite of this is also true. Refusing to evolve for the sake of pride, as if who you evolve into will somehow a false self--is as self-defeating as trying to change someone against their will. Love changes everything--it is one of it's greatest assets. We get to experience ourselves differently, which does not happen very often in this life. And we get to experience this different self in relationship to another human being and there is nothing more profound than that.
Part, the second:
Tell me why do we only get what we want
When we don't want it no more?
And how do you feel now
We still sound so sick
Still fish around in waters you know so well
So, a similar theme, with a little something more. It is a well known documented fact that we human beings are creatures of habit. It is why "creature of habit" is a coined phrase. This means that almost all people make pattern-based choices. In your context this means that it is likely that you are attracted to a certain type of woman--a woman who confirms for you in no uncertain terms that you are right about women. "Women always do this and women always do that--see there goes another one doing exactly what I thought she'd do. All women are the same!" (In case this needs to be said, this is not about women--this is the same for both genders.)
Like I claimed above, wishing a find a "different" woman, wanting to find a "different" woman or hoping to find a "different" woman do absolutely nothing to aid in actually finding a "different" woman. The funny part is, people usually think it does. "I TOTALLY went out with someone who is the complete opposite of my last girlfriend, but when it comes down to it, turns out women are all the same." Unfortunately for all of us, the most likely outcome of these endeavors is that we select the exact same person--wrapped up in a different package. EVERYTHING about them appears different EXCEPT for the exact differences we were seeking. I don't know why this works like this. It just does.
In order to initiate actual change in one's personal life, conscious action, mindful living and a willingness to be uncomfortable is required. And authentic change is slow.......So slow, that most abandon the quest rather quickly under the perception that "it's not working anyway."
Part, the third:
The world's at my feet
But in your arms
A seeker of real silence am I
Deepest dreams come to real life
Shall I?
So, we want what we want when we want it. Often when we get what we want it doesn't do for us what we wished or wanted or hoped it would do--and then it becomes a burden and we discard it. After that, and a solemn oath to never repeat previous actions, we do the exact same thing anyway, actually thinking we will get a different result. Self-knowledge does not help (knowing that we do the same thing and intending to do it different next time, does not change anything) Actual change requires action and interaction and discomfort. Very difficult things to do while maintaining authenticity.
Letting someone we love hold our whole world in their arms is risky, and walks a very thin line between beautiful and inappropriate. Sourcing from something beyond human power is usually a good guide.
Do any of us have the courage to "come to real life" and are will willing to let love help us do it?
Good luck with that.
P.S. If you are wondering if you should risk it, then you should risk it.
* Song written (and performed) by Tones on Tail (Daniel Ash, Glenn Campling and Kevin Haskins ) Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
As I was reading your letter a song popped into my head. I didn't really pay much attention as this is quite a common occurrence. But, as I was processing the information you offered and contemplating your situation, I realized that reason the song popped into my head was because the lyrics had a certain relevance. Now, I REFUSE to be one of those people who shoves song lyrics in someone's face and insist or presume that they mean the same thing to you as they do to me. But, I googled the song just to see them written out in full. I believe that MY perception of what you shared with me is reflected in these words. So, I am going to parcel them out in little bits and attempt to explain.
Part, the first*:
(We don't want your progress
We wanna be first)
Give me something for nothing
Give me too much to soon
We're so damn sick
Something I hear a lot from folks of all kinds from all places is "People don't change." There is a very valid reason for this: very often, people don't change. I have a lot to say about this but I am going to try and not get too in depth. There are myriad reasons with infinite nuances as to why people's lives play out like this--it would be oversimplifying to say "Fear" but it would also be accurate. One of my favorite pet theories is that people seem unable to notice that wishing for things to change and wanting for things to change and hoping for things to change doesn't cause anything to change. And yet, people persist in this belief. This is a dictionary definition of insanity. You might say people without the willingness, capacity or necessary skills to change are insane.
I understand what a turn off it is for someone to claim to love you and then put all these conditions on it later (i.e. "Actually, I will love you more if you wear different clothes." or "I will love you better if you got a different job." or "My love will be more kind if you could learn to go to a party without freaking out.") In a sense, this is not love. It is a persistence in the denial of the fact that the distance between who you thought you fell in love with and who they turned out to be is too vast to cross. Or that crossing that distance has no value.
The opposite of this is also true. Refusing to evolve for the sake of pride, as if who you evolve into will somehow a false self--is as self-defeating as trying to change someone against their will. Love changes everything--it is one of it's greatest assets. We get to experience ourselves differently, which does not happen very often in this life. And we get to experience this different self in relationship to another human being and there is nothing more profound than that.
Part, the second:
Tell me why do we only get what we want
When we don't want it no more?
And how do you feel now
We still sound so sick
Still fish around in waters you know so well
So, a similar theme, with a little something more. It is a well known documented fact that we human beings are creatures of habit. It is why "creature of habit" is a coined phrase. This means that almost all people make pattern-based choices. In your context this means that it is likely that you are attracted to a certain type of woman--a woman who confirms for you in no uncertain terms that you are right about women. "Women always do this and women always do that--see there goes another one doing exactly what I thought she'd do. All women are the same!" (In case this needs to be said, this is not about women--this is the same for both genders.)
Like I claimed above, wishing a find a "different" woman, wanting to find a "different" woman or hoping to find a "different" woman do absolutely nothing to aid in actually finding a "different" woman. The funny part is, people usually think it does. "I TOTALLY went out with someone who is the complete opposite of my last girlfriend, but when it comes down to it, turns out women are all the same." Unfortunately for all of us, the most likely outcome of these endeavors is that we select the exact same person--wrapped up in a different package. EVERYTHING about them appears different EXCEPT for the exact differences we were seeking. I don't know why this works like this. It just does.
In order to initiate actual change in one's personal life, conscious action, mindful living and a willingness to be uncomfortable is required. And authentic change is slow.......So slow, that most abandon the quest rather quickly under the perception that "it's not working anyway."
Part, the third:
The world's at my feet
But in your arms
A seeker of real silence am I
Deepest dreams come to real life
Shall I?
So, we want what we want when we want it. Often when we get what we want it doesn't do for us what we wished or wanted or hoped it would do--and then it becomes a burden and we discard it. After that, and a solemn oath to never repeat previous actions, we do the exact same thing anyway, actually thinking we will get a different result. Self-knowledge does not help (knowing that we do the same thing and intending to do it different next time, does not change anything) Actual change requires action and interaction and discomfort. Very difficult things to do while maintaining authenticity.
Letting someone we love hold our whole world in their arms is risky, and walks a very thin line between beautiful and inappropriate. Sourcing from something beyond human power is usually a good guide.
Do any of us have the courage to "come to real life" and are will willing to let love help us do it?
Good luck with that.
P.S. If you are wondering if you should risk it, then you should risk it.
* Song written (and performed) by Tones on Tail (Daniel Ash, Glenn Campling and Kevin Haskins ) Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
